I Am Here

Okay here's the thing: I feel like we all struggle with the same exact things, but nobody tells anyone, which is really quite dumb because we are all in this together!!

Depression. It's a real thing, and sadly enough, it's estimated that 350 million people worldwide suffer from it. That may seem like a small amount, but when you are faced with depression, it can actually be disabling and hard to function and live as a normal human being.

I know a lot a people that were never officially "diagnosed" but were still feeling the full effects of this disease. I for one was struggling with it, but was convinced that I didn't have depression.

One Sunday, my church decided to teach a lesson on depression and how it's more of a serious problem then we may think. They had a woman from our church, that we all knew, come in and speak about her super serious case of depression. She talked about the difficulty of even getting out of bed in the morning. She shared some very personal things, and it actually started to really scare me.

You know how some peoples' biggest fear is sharks or spiders or even the dark? Well, I never really had a "set" biggest fear. Yeah, sure, I didn't want to get eaten by a shark or have spiders crawling all over me, but I never felt worried or anxious about things like that. The first time I have ever felt "scared" by a legitimate thing, was when I realized that my biggest fear was being trapped.

Trapped inside a state of mind.

This lesson that we were being taught started to make me anxious and so scared of something that was so real to some people. I was disturbed at the thought of waking up each morning and not physically feeling like I could get out of bed. I was scared of the idea that I could believe that there wasn't an escape. This concept really scared me. I LOVE to be happy. It's just in my nature to always want to feel that way and spread happiness and laughter. To know that there was something out there that could mentally take that away was terrifying to me.

So as you can probably tell, the lesson didn't do much in terms of helping me feel more prepared or aware, it just made me more on edge. (Shout out to my old church leaders though, I know you were only trying to help <3 )

So I did what any normal teenage girl does, and told my mom about it. I told her why it bothered me so much and that things like that really scare me. I said that I never want to feel like the only escape in this life is suicide. I WAS SCARED!!!

We ended up having a super deep conversation, and I opened up about some of the things I felt and had felt in the past. I think why it scared me the most, is because when the woman was describing the details of her experience, I realized that I had felt some of those same exact things. I was still convinced that I didn't have such a devastating disease, or even more, I didn't want to find out that I had it.

The next morning, as I was eating breakfast before school, my dad out of the blue says "Mikaela, I heard that the lesson in church yesterday really bothered you." I looked up at him and said that it did, and explained to him why depression and illnesses like that really worry me, even though I know I don't have one. He then says, "You know depression comes in different forms, and you might have something different than what she had."

I. Was. Shook.

"There is no way that I am suffering from my greatest fear. NOT TODAY!" My thoughts raged.

I was scared and confused and wondered if I needed medication, but at the same time I didn't want to rely so independently on something like that. My mom had told me that once you go on medication it can be very difficult to get off of it, so I wasn't super thrilled about that. I had also been suffering from really bad anxiety, but never got medication for it (mostly for the same reasons) so I forced myself to figure out how to manage my anxious feelings.

I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but it runs in my family and I did feel some effects of it. It can be very hard and take away the joys of doing things you normally love to do. It makes you question your will to live and the source of your happiness. It can make small tasks seem immensely large. In other words: it sucks.

For those who have never experienced depression, it may be hard to fully understand how someone could just feel so much sadness. Some say, "Oh well, all you have to do is chose to be happy. It's your own choice." And for those of us that don't suffer from a chemical unbalance inside our brain, yes, we get the option to choose happiness. But for those of us who have that unbalance, it is nearly impossible.

I wrote a poem that sort of describes depression or anxiety, or what I felt at least. It talks about how I wanted help, but at the same time didn't know how to get it, or felt like I couldn't get it. I don't normally showcase my poetry to large audiences, but hey we're all in this together and let's learn and love that way. (: This poem is called I Am Here:

I am here.

I am strong

but I am weak

I talk so much

I do not speak

I think often

I don't think at all

I reach for help

but do not call

I laugh often

I cry even more

They're out of reach,

things I adore

I hit snooze too many times

wondering when

I'll run out of rhymes

I am okay

I don't think I'm sane

I have barely a mind, but

I am here.

When I wrote this, I remember thinking about how I felt that I wasn't at a point where I didn't want to live anymore, but I was at a point where I just didn't feel anything anymore. It's almost like I was giving myself credit for still being here, and even though I had all these struggles, I was at least here. It was like I was living, but without a real purpose.

And that is where everything is wrong.

Living without a purpose is POINTLESS. I'll say it again. It-is-pointless. If you do not find a purpose, then you can bet that there is absolutely nothing that will get you out of bed. Nothing and nobody can change that except YOU. One of the most influential teachers I have ever had said something that changed my life forever.

"If you're waking up every single Monday morning, or any morning, or literally every morning in the week, thinking 'Oh my jobs sucks', or [something negative] there is something in your life that needs to change, right? Aren't you tired of that? Change something! Change something about today."

This hit me so hard. I heard this and I realized that if I was waking up in the morning finding it hard to get out of bed, or finding myself hitting snooze because there was literally no point to going to school that day, I needed to change something. I needed to find my purpose.

And guess what? I did.

I found my purpose. I woke up and looked for something. I looked for the reasons that I should get up, and I found that there was a lot more reasons than I had ever expected.

Do things for others. The minute you start putting others needs and wants before yourself, you will be amazed with the changes in your life that you will see. It's insane. If you can't find a reason to live for yourself, then live for someone else. And you'll look back and realize how grateful you are that you stuck it out.

If you struggle with depression or anxiety, trust me when I say: you are not alone. There is hope for you. In fact, there are hundreds of people cheering you on, and I am one of them. Find your purpose. Even if your purpose is seeing that cute kid in math class.

Oh, and don't forget to smile while you're at it ;)

Dear Utah...

Dear Utah,

Oh you've been so good to me. You raised me and taught me how to love the mountains. Taught me how to go camping and endure endless mosquito bites. You were there when I went to Kindergarten and met my best friend. You were there when I learned how to say the alphabet and figured out how to divide.

You gave me a home.

A home where I grew up with eight other siblings. One where I spent thousands of nights in my room. My room where I did the most growing up. The one where I fell asleep each night and dreamed. Dreamed about what life had in store for me. You gave me warm summer nights spent on the tramp, and cold winters wrapped up on the couch. You gave me visits from family and laughs from friends. You gave me hard work in the school year and joy in the summer.

You gave me my friends. Someone who would listen. You gave me a redhead, a volleyball player and a dancer. You gave us time together, even though we wish it would've lasted just a little longer. But nonetheless, you still gave it to me.

You gave me trips to Bear Lake, and spring break in St. George. Lots of boating and laying in the sun. You were there when I got into my first ATV accident and you were there when I rode one for the last time. You gave me memories that I will never forget.

You taught me lessons. Lessons I learned from countless camps. From church camps to sport camps, you made it possible. You gave me nature. Something so beautiful and priceless. Hundreds of hikes up your beautiful mountain ranges, and camp fires at night.

You offered me schooling. Gave me a school where I became who I am. Where I learned how to fight my way through life, and enjoy every moment along the way. You gave me teachers. Ones who taught me that it's going to be okay. Teachers that listened to me when no one else would.

You were there when I learned how to drive. When I overcame my fear of the roads, and passed my driving test. When I backed into a tree and dented my car. When I drove friends when I wasn't supposed to, and was scared of getting caught. You were there on my birthday when I finally got my license and took a picture outside the DMV.

You were there when I got my first boyfriend.

You were there through every gold fish and pet that I owned. You were there when I said goodbye to my cats and you were there when my dog was hit by a car and died. Even when nobody believed us because it was April 1st.

You were there through so many things. Events that changed my life and made me the person that I am today. You were there when I was at the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

You were there when I said goodbye.

Thank you for giving me something to hold onto. I'll be back, don't you worry.

Love,

Mikaela

You Don't Know, What You've Got

You all know I'm a Utah girl. I've said it and I'll say it again, "I LOVE UTAH." I love Utah with my whole heart. But I never really loved Utah. Moving has made me think a little bit more about things in life, and just life in general.

Yanno that song by Macklemore and Kesha?? Good Old Days? Yeah me too, it's amazing. But what's really amazing is the lesson that's it's helped me learn. The message that the bridge of the song gives is priceless:

"You don't know, what you've got

Till it goes, till it's gone

You don't know, what you've got

Till it goes, till it's gone."

And I never really understood this or appreciated this part of the song until I moved. Until I was forced to appreciate all the things I had because they were "gone". And then I started thinking. I started thinking about everything I wished I could go back in time and really just appreciate. I wish I understood in that moment how lucky I was to have some of those things. I wish that I would have been a little more grateful for my circumstances and what I really had. And maybe some of those things I really had weren't things you could see.

I could spend hours talking about what I wished I would have and wouldn't have done. I think we all could, but that's the beautiful thing about life.

Life isn't supposed to be lived with regrets. That's the whole point, to live and learn, and have experiences that build us. I believe that we are supposed to look back at our past and figure out what we did wrong, so we can do it right this time around.

We are supposed to grow.

And as much as it pains me to say, moving has helped me grow. It's made me look back on the little things and miss them. But I am grateful that it makes me miss them, because now I can really appreciate them. And when I start a new life somewhere, whether it be in college, when I start a new job, or even when I get married, I can be a little more attentive to the things I have. And this brings me back to Utah and how much I love it.

I love it because I don't have it anymore, and that goes for a lot of things that I used to have. So in an attempt to skip out on this part when I move again (I will be moving again, probs back to Utah hehe) I am going to LOOK for what I have now, and love it with my whole heart.

I have my family. I love my family, and they aren't going anywhere. I have support, and maybe this support comes over 2 hour and 7 minute face time calls, but nonetheless I still have it. I have an education, even if it is at Cambridge High School instead of Bingham. I have my basketball team. I have a home. Yes, my home is essentially in Utah, but I have one here now too, and that's okay. But most importantly, I have love. I have love from so many people, and I will never take that for granted.

Hey, maybe this life isn't so bad after all. It's actually getting pretty good.

We got this guys.

Mikaela