I Am Here

Okay here's the thing: I feel like we all struggle with the same exact things, but nobody tells anyone, which is really quite dumb because we are all in this together!!

Depression. It's a real thing, and sadly enough, it's estimated that 350 million people worldwide suffer from it. That may seem like a small amount, but when you are faced with depression, it can actually be disabling and hard to function and live as a normal human being.

I know a lot a people that were never officially "diagnosed" but were still feeling the full effects of this disease. I for one was struggling with it, but was convinced that I didn't have depression.

One Sunday, my church decided to teach a lesson on depression and how it's more of a serious problem then we may think. They had a woman from our church, that we all knew, come in and speak about her super serious case of depression. She talked about the difficulty of even getting out of bed in the morning. She shared some very personal things, and it actually started to really scare me.

You know how some peoples' biggest fear is sharks or spiders or even the dark? Well, I never really had a "set" biggest fear. Yeah, sure, I didn't want to get eaten by a shark or have spiders crawling all over me, but I never felt worried or anxious about things like that. The first time I have ever felt "scared" by a legitimate thing, was when I realized that my biggest fear was being trapped.

Trapped inside a state of mind.

This lesson that we were being taught started to make me anxious and so scared of something that was so real to some people. I was disturbed at the thought of waking up each morning and not physically feeling like I could get out of bed. I was scared of the idea that I could believe that there wasn't an escape. This concept really scared me. I LOVE to be happy. It's just in my nature to always want to feel that way and spread happiness and laughter. To know that there was something out there that could mentally take that away was terrifying to me.

So as you can probably tell, the lesson didn't do much in terms of helping me feel more prepared or aware, it just made me more on edge. (Shout out to my old church leaders though, I know you were only trying to help <3 )

So I did what any normal teenage girl does, and told my mom about it. I told her why it bothered me so much and that things like that really scare me. I said that I never want to feel like the only escape in this life is suicide. I WAS SCARED!!!

We ended up having a super deep conversation, and I opened up about some of the things I felt and had felt in the past. I think why it scared me the most, is because when the woman was describing the details of her experience, I realized that I had felt some of those same exact things. I was still convinced that I didn't have such a devastating disease, or even more, I didn't want to find out that I had it.

The next morning, as I was eating breakfast before school, my dad out of the blue says "Mikaela, I heard that the lesson in church yesterday really bothered you." I looked up at him and said that it did, and explained to him why depression and illnesses like that really worry me, even though I know I don't have one. He then says, "You know depression comes in different forms, and you might have something different than what she had."

I. Was. Shook.

"There is no way that I am suffering from my greatest fear. NOT TODAY!" My thoughts raged.

I was scared and confused and wondered if I needed medication, but at the same time I didn't want to rely so independently on something like that. My mom had told me that once you go on medication it can be very difficult to get off of it, so I wasn't super thrilled about that. I had also been suffering from really bad anxiety, but never got medication for it (mostly for the same reasons) so I forced myself to figure out how to manage my anxious feelings.

I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but it runs in my family and I did feel some effects of it. It can be very hard and take away the joys of doing things you normally love to do. It makes you question your will to live and the source of your happiness. It can make small tasks seem immensely large. In other words: it sucks.

For those who have never experienced depression, it may be hard to fully understand how someone could just feel so much sadness. Some say, "Oh well, all you have to do is chose to be happy. It's your own choice." And for those of us that don't suffer from a chemical unbalance inside our brain, yes, we get the option to choose happiness. But for those of us who have that unbalance, it is nearly impossible.

I wrote a poem that sort of describes depression or anxiety, or what I felt at least. It talks about how I wanted help, but at the same time didn't know how to get it, or felt like I couldn't get it. I don't normally showcase my poetry to large audiences, but hey we're all in this together and let's learn and love that way. (: This poem is called I Am Here:

I am here.

I am strong

but I am weak

I talk so much

I do not speak

I think often

I don't think at all

I reach for help

but do not call

I laugh often

I cry even more

They're out of reach,

things I adore

I hit snooze too many times

wondering when

I'll run out of rhymes

I am okay

I don't think I'm sane

I have barely a mind, but

I am here.

When I wrote this, I remember thinking about how I felt that I wasn't at a point where I didn't want to live anymore, but I was at a point where I just didn't feel anything anymore. It's almost like I was giving myself credit for still being here, and even though I had all these struggles, I was at least here. It was like I was living, but without a real purpose.

And that is where everything is wrong.

Living without a purpose is POINTLESS. I'll say it again. It-is-pointless. If you do not find a purpose, then you can bet that there is absolutely nothing that will get you out of bed. Nothing and nobody can change that except YOU. One of the most influential teachers I have ever had said something that changed my life forever.

"If you're waking up every single Monday morning, or any morning, or literally every morning in the week, thinking 'Oh my jobs sucks', or [something negative] there is something in your life that needs to change, right? Aren't you tired of that? Change something! Change something about today."

This hit me so hard. I heard this and I realized that if I was waking up in the morning finding it hard to get out of bed, or finding myself hitting snooze because there was literally no point to going to school that day, I needed to change something. I needed to find my purpose.

And guess what? I did.

I found my purpose. I woke up and looked for something. I looked for the reasons that I should get up, and I found that there was a lot more reasons than I had ever expected.

Do things for others. The minute you start putting others needs and wants before yourself, you will be amazed with the changes in your life that you will see. It's insane. If you can't find a reason to live for yourself, then live for someone else. And you'll look back and realize how grateful you are that you stuck it out.

If you struggle with depression or anxiety, trust me when I say: you are not alone. There is hope for you. In fact, there are hundreds of people cheering you on, and I am one of them. Find your purpose. Even if your purpose is seeing that cute kid in math class.

Oh, and don't forget to smile while you're at it ;)