xoxo, a junior

Ahhhh where do I even start? I could start at the part where I cried myself to sleep every night because I was so stressed about school. Or I could start at the part where I had no friends and ached for Bingham with teachers I knew, but I think I'm going to start at the part when things started to get better.

School. Everyone knows how much stress and worry can come from school. It's not bad to have stress, but when faced with three hours of homework and a test to study for the next day, it can get pretty overwhelming. And this brings me to Junior year. Junior year is the year. We all finally have gotten a taste of high school, so we think we've got it all figured out. We are excited to not be sophomores anymore, and being a junior seems so cool.

We are one step away. One step away from being a senior. From graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. But junior year isn't just a walk through the park. Oh, no it's so much more. We finally have to take the ACT and we are piled with hard classes and PHYSICS UGH. (Not everyone takes physics junior year, but sadly enough I had to haha).

It almost seems impossible. We want to be independent and not take orders from our parents and especially teachers. We feel like the work is never going to end, and how can senior year be so close yet so far away??

During my junior year, I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in so many things that I couldn't keep track. I had just left all my friends. All my support and help was almost 2,000 miles away. I left my teachers. The ones who would listen to me and knew me. They understood me and not only helped me academically, but mentally and emotionally. When I moved, I was looking for help but I didn't know where to get it. My teachers were all good human beings, but it felt like some of them completely disregarded my situation. I was extremely behind academically and I needed them to help me catch up. I was new and a little nervous to constantly go up and ask for help by myself. I felt ridiculously stupid and hated not understanding. I was hoping that my counselor would have a meeting with me or something just so that I could meet her and have her help me understand the school a little better, but I never got a call down to the counseling office.

So when I didn't get the help that I needed, I started to give up a little. If nobody cared enough to help me through this, then why should I try? Why should I put in all this effort to still feel dumb and keep failing tests?

I never was a straight A student, believe me, but I have always cared about my grades (maybe because if I didn't my phone would get taken away hahaha just kidding) but I always strived to be the best student that I could. I had never gotten below a B before, and 1st semester was ending and I had two C's on my report card. I was devastated. I had always had dreams of going into a good college and maybe getting some scholarship money. In fact, I was counting on it. Now that I was out of state, I didn't have in state tuition to any of the Utah colleges that I wanted to go to. I didn't have a job and I had no money saved up. I even, at one point, told myself that I just wasn't going to go to college.

School made me feel helpless. I felt pathetic and idiotic. I was screaming with anxiety and I wished things were easier. I thought my whole life was going to be ruined because my grades sucked and my ACT score was very short of what I wanted. But if there is one thing that school had taught me, it's that: GRADES DONT DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WILL DO!!!

Kind of ironic since school is basically all about the grades nowadays, but it's what I've learned. You don't have to be a straight A student to be considered "smart". You don't have to study for six hours for each test that you take. You in no way have to be perfect. Because guess what? You're not supposed to be perfect, so it's okay if your grades reflect that.

I had a really hard time accepting this, but once I did, I realized that I was spending too much time worrying and not enough time enjoying myself and my life. High school may seem so long, but you will blink and all the sudden you're turning in your textbooks and applying to colleges. You need to enjoy your life, especially while in high school.

So, like I said, it's okay if your grades aren't perfect and you ACT score is a little embarrassing. You will still get through high school and even if you have to retake a class or two, you're still nothing short of amazing. Grades don't define you. They never have, and they never will. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I literally got a 67% on my physics final and I still passed the class, so I think you're good. But hey, if you do have perfect grades, keep up the good work ;). If you really want to go to college or get a scholarship, you can do it. Nothing is stopping you except yourself.

Just remember that it's always important to keep your head up. Take a step back from your problems and try to look at the bigger picture. Oh, and don't forget to party it up this summer.

H.A.G.S. ((:

xoxo

A very very happy former junior

Speak Up

Why do we do hard things? Why do we study for that final exam when there are a hundred different things we could be doing? Because your mom told you to? Because if you don't your grades will fall and you won't get into college? I mean, maybe that's why, or maybe you are scared of what will happen if you don't do those things.

And what is gonna happen? You become a failure? You miss out on college? Life is scary, and it gets pretty hard. There is no going around it, but just because something may seem hard or scary doesn't mean you avoid it.

If there is any single piece of advice that I could give someone who is going through a hard time, it would be: DON'T PUSH PEOPLE AWAY. Don't you dare do it. You were lucky enough to be placed on this planet where there are thousands of beautiful, amazing people. People who want the best for you and who would come to your aid in a heartbeat. Pushing these people away is only going to make it harder for you, and it might even hurt them.

Trust me when I say I've been there. I've spent the past seven months pushing people away. And guess what? Nothing good has come from it. I've felt lonely and sad. With each passing day I wanted to seclude myself more and more. I actually even told my mom that next year I wanted to take all online classes so I didn't have to go to school. I wanted to wake up and stay in my home where I didn't have to face the sad reality that I was still in Georgia. Luckily, my sweet mother said that I couldn't do that (I was furious haha) but she knew that the minute I didn't have to face the world, the harder it would be to get myself out of bed. She told me that secluding myself was only going to do more damage than healing. So, instead I went to my counselor and we figured out a schedule for next year with only one online class.

People need people to heal. Talking things out with someone could be the equivalent to taking actual medicine. Why do you think people have counselors? We as humans were built to be able to share emotion and have empathy. We were made to care about one another. So lets do just that. Talk to people. Open up about your darkest secrets and deepest fears. Tell your mom what you are feeling. Ask your best friend if you can go on a drive and have a conversation. Put your phone down. Listen. You'd be surprised at how much you have in common with those you see everyday.

Building up feelings and emotions is a sure way to end up sad and maybe even depressed. It's not healthy and there are so many people that are willing to listen. If you are feeling like there isn't anyone you can talk to about a problem that you are having then you aren't looking hard enough. In fact, you probably aren't looking at all, because there are so many people that care about you and are willing to listen. God didn't put us here to struggle by ourselves and don't ever forget that.

I dunno if you can quote yourself haha but that's what I'm about to do. When I first moved to Georgia I wrote a little something:

"Okay so moving might be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life up to this point and I never thought that I would see myself where I am and I honestly can't even believe that I am here, but lemme just say something: I have been here two weeks and I thought that I was going to be starting the hardest years of my teenage life, but I can already see a little bit of why God sent me and my family here. I don't know everything but I do know that God has a reason and a purpose for everything. I never thought that I could leave my friends, family, school, and my home and ever be okay with it. But here I am 1,873.7 miles away, and guess what? I'm okay with it. And that's crazy for me to say, but I really am. And I'm actually enjoying life, and I've realized that my friends and family will still always be there for me and Utah isn't going anywhere. Yeah it's really hard sometimes and I miss my old life so so much, but I'm just gonna try to enjoy my new life and be grateful that God gave me something so precious. So basically what I am trying to say is, just take a look at the bigger picture and try to see it through His eyes. It's really hard, trust me I know, but we are so loved by so many people and life is an amazing gift. He's never going to put you through something that you can't handle, because He knows we can handle it. He knows we can do it, and I know that we can do it. So just take a deep breath, and remember that life is simply ok (:"

If you feel alone, if you feel lost, if life is becoming pointless, then it's time to make a change. It's time to let it out. Get your best friend, get your dad, get your brother or sister, get your boyfriend even, and just talk. Don't push these beautiful people away. It doesn't make you any happier I can promise you that.

Remember that it does get easier. Just ask me (;

My First Time Back

So, I did it. I went back. I traveled to the one place I thought would take away all of my problems and make me happy. And in a way it did, but not how I expected it to.

I've realized a few things, and one of those things is that your bed is the only place where you can actually get a full nights rest. Haha just kidding (but not really). Okay on a real note, I realized that Utah was a lot, and I mean A LOT, different without my family. I mean when have I ever been in Utah without my family? That's the thing, I haven't. It was weird not having my mom call or text to have me home. It was weird to not carry all of the responsibilities that I used to.

I wanted it to be real. I wanted to wake up and go to school. I wanted to see all of my friends and have it be for real. I wanted to LIVE there. As we know, I do not in fact live there anymore, so I just had to pretend for a couple days. And guess what? It rocked.

It was so amazing to be there. It was so reliving to know that my home still was there, even if I didn't have an actual "house". It calmed my soul to be back to the place where I had so longed to be for five brutally long months.

I was in Utah, but I realized that it would never be the same as it had once been. And as much as that sucked, I wasn't going to let that get in the way of having a blast. Soooo that brings me to my next topic... PROM. Ah *insert heart eye emoji*. Prom is magical. It's every girls dream. It was my dream; one that I had had ever since I saw my two older sisters put on beautiful dresses, tie up their hair in some majestic way, and have handsome boys pick them up and carry them off in a limousine.

And prom is just that. It is magical and everything more. You get to spend the day with your close friends and laugh your head off. You get to be treated like a princess all day and long into the night. And that's how it should be. High school is about laughing so hard that your stomach starts to hurt. It's about making memories with all of these fantastic people that will become your life long best friends. It's about staying up way into the night and going on adventures. It's about enjoying every moment. It's about living.

IT'S ABOUT LIVING. Why don't we all just live. I wish I could better understand this myself, but life is supposed to be enjoyed not just endured. I think a lot of the time we are so caught up on working or stress and we sometimes get caught behind this wall of sadness or even fear. Fear that we aren't doing a good enough job. Fear that we are going to mess up. Fear that we have messed up. Well guess what: you're wrong. You're totally, one hundred percent, absolutely wrong. So what are you gonna do about it?

I'll tell you what, this is what you are going to do about it: you are going to live. And you are going to do it to the best of your ability. Laugh. Laugh so hard that you pee your pants. Laugh so hard that your dad tells you that you are hurting his ears (taken from experience lol). Be happy. Even force it if you have to and you will actually find something to be happy about!!!

Well, this post is initially about me going back to Utah, and since then I've realized that I need to live. I've been believing that my "life" was in Utah. I wasn't letting myself believe that I live in Georgia now, and in result, I wasn't letting myself be as happy as I could have been. Going back to Utah for the first time let my mind know that it is okay to be somewhere else. It's okay to start a new adventure, a new chapter. I was alive, but I wasn't living. And sometimes I still will find myself not living to the best of my ability, and it's okay to have ups and downs. What's not okay is letting yourself suffer.

Let yourself live. Breathe in the air of everyday and be grateful that you are able to take those breaths. Smile about the little things and remember that it's these things that matter. Tell your mom or dad that you love them. Make someone else's day. Be the best you that you can be.

It's hard, I know, but hey what's stopping you?

Yours truly,

A girl that's finally starting to understand life