A Little Into My Past...

I've been trying to figure out a way to tell my life in a short and effective manner. So I decided to look through my journal in an effort to remember some things that I could write about. Instead I found a journal entry that pretty much sums it up, so I'll share it with you.

May 7, 2017

Hi. My name is Mikaela. I'm 15 years old and I want to write down my life. My story.

I was born in Baton Rouge. Louisiana, and lived there until I was 4ish. My dad had gotten a job in Utah, so we moved out to Orem, Utah to live with my mom's parents, Grandma and Grandpa Gleason. I'm not exactly sure how long we lived with them, but eventually we found a house in South Jordan, Utah, so we moved down there. And now, 11 years later, I'm sitting in my room, at my house in South Jordan. South Jordan is my home. It is my safe place. I've grown up here, and I know all the good places to eat, and all the fun places to go. I know all the people that live around me, and they are like family. I have thousands of memories that I wouldn't trade for the world.

So let's back up a little bit. I first went to NPA, Navigator Point Academy. It was a charter school, and I had to wear a uniform. I attended NPA for a total of seven years. Some of the best years of my life. NPA was my other home, considering I was there seven hours a day, five days a week. NPA was where I met my best friend, Hannah Thompson. We met the first day of kindergarten. Then, me and her both left NPA after sixth grade. I went to South Jordan Middle School, and she went to North Star Academy. I was at a public school, and she was at a charter school again.

We didn't talk too much of seventh grade, just because we didn't really have a way of communicating with each other. We reconnected sometime between seventh and eighth grades, and we became closer than we had ever been.

I don't even think there are words to describe the relationship I had with Hannah. It was like more than a best friend. More than a sister, it was like we were just so close that...

Haha, I honestly can't even finish that sentence, because I can't describe what it's like. I had talked to my mom about our relationship, and she said that none of her kids ever had a best friend like Hannah. None. It's crazy. Like you don't have to worry about ever being alone, or going to a party alone, because you always have someone to go with you. If I'm invited, Hannah's invited.

Well, anyways, my three eldest siblings, Katelyn, Ashlyn, and Joshua, all served missions while I was in middle school. My life changed immensely during those three years. I walked into seventh grade with short curled hair and a green cardigan. I had no confidence outside of my NPA family, and I didn't have them there, so I basically had no confidence. I was shy and I was constantly worried about what the "popular" kids, especially the girls, were thinking. I didn't really have a voice and I never talked to boys. I was happy though. I didn't really realize how immature I was. Not that being immature is bad at age 12, but I would never have grown up if I didn't attend SoJo Middle. I made tons of friends and I finally learned how to talk to boys. I figured out how to manage the everyday anxiety that I had, and I became a better me. I overcame the extremely hateful feelings I had towards my mom, and I learned how to be positive. I learned that happiness comes from putting others before yourself, even though I don't always do this. My testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints grew, and I learned that I would be serving an LDS mission as well. I figured out what kind of friends I wanted, and the kind of boys I wanted to like. I learned guitar, and I took a break from violin lessons that I had been taking for ten years, to manage and control my stress, and super bad anxiety.

Middle School changed me for the better. But one day, I got extremely bad urgency. I was in ninth grade at the time. I continued to get this horrible pain for a couple of months, until we finally went to the doctor to check and see if I had a UTI. The results came back negative, so we just went home confused. I continued to get urgency all the way into the summer until we finally went into the doctors again to do another check. This time they did a blood test.

The results came back, and a few weeks later I was diagnosed with Hashimotos. This was an autoimmune disease that was causing me to feel extremely tired and draggy. It made me quick to anger and not myself, because I couldn't control my emotions as well. I would get so "brain dead" that it was almost like I didn't have any emotions.

Since I was diagnosed in June of 2016, I was able to get medication for my tenth grade year that allowed me to function properly. I still had to go in for regular check-ups until they found the correct dose. They did eventually find the correct dose about three months ago. 88 mg is the amount that I need.

Tenth grade year was going amazing, and I had never been more happy to be a Bingham Miner. Then one day, I was informed by my mom and dad that we might be moving to Atlanta, Georgia. I was heartbroken. How could they take me away from everyone now? My home is in Utah. I love it here. My family is here. Everything is here. How come Katelyn, Ashlyn, Josh, and Jordan all got to graduate from Bingham, and I didn't? How come I was not ever going to get to go to dances and prom with the kids that helped me get through the hell of times? How come I didn't get to be a Laurel in the ward that I grew up in and the ward that was there through thick and thin? How come I couldn't ever go to BYU and get to visit my family that lived in South Jordan on the weekends? How come they were taking me from my safe place when I am struggling with anxiety, a form of depression, and Hashimotos? Why are they taking me away from all the help and love I have here? Why is it okay for them to take away my dreams?

And it's all for what? Money? How can money be enough to rip me away from my home? HOW.

You know, they say you're supposed to have faith, but for once in my life, I don't want to have faith. I do not want what the Lord wants, if it even is what the Lord wants. I don't want to pray to be okay with it, because it's not okay, and I don't want to be okay with it.

It's just so hard right now. So hard. I've never had more anxiety than I do right now. I've never felt more confused and heartbroken. I've never cut, and I did. I've never distanced myself from my best friend, and I am. I've never been mad at God, but what else can I do? And then it's like I go to Him with all my problems like nothings wrong, but according to my dad, God is the reason we are moving.

I'm starting to get really close to all these people that mean a lot to me, and it's tearing me apart, because I'm just thinking like am I making it harder for myself in the long run by getting too attached to people? I'm literally at war in my head everyday. Everyday is one less day.

I used to never cry, and now I cry almost every day. I'm not a sad person though. And like I know I'm not. I love to be happy. I love it. I don't like being sad. I'm a pretty optimistic person, but I'm just so confused with myself, because one second I will be contemplating how to end everything, and the next second, I'll be laughing my head off and telling myself how good life is.

I don't know, maybe it's just because I am having a hard time enjoying the good moments because I know they can't last forever. I know it sounds so dumb and not for real, but it's so real to me right now. So real.

I want to be happy, but a piece of my heart has been torn from me.

-Mikaela

This is just one entree that I had written about how I was feeling at the time. I hope this helps to understand a little bit more into my background and why moving was such a hard concept for me to grasp. I know I get a little personal, but I am sharing this in an attempt to let others know that I am here today. I pushed through, even when I didn't want there to be a tomorrow. I did it and now I'm am here to be a witness and show that we can do hard things.

Keep your head up.